Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
