Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
