Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
