2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish my penis had a tongue
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
