The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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