The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
