i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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