Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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