I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
In the future we'll all be gay
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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