No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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