I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize