did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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