i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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