Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
