Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize