dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
