I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
