Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
