I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Houston, we have a squirter
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
