If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
