Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
