if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
