as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize