I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
