then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
