apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
