I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize