Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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