I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
