FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
