i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
