we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
