Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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