If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
