I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I cut my penus on the lid.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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