How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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