hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
