why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
