Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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