I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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