Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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