I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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