The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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