so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
