Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is Oprah even human
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
