Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
