All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
