fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize