I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
