You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
