Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
