Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
