i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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