Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
