Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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