I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
