I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
babies were throwing up all over the place
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
