i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
