I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize