Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
