Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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