tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
