Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
