...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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