I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
