also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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